Americablorg is running a campaign to question the personal morals of the members of Congress who support a constitutional amendment to define marriage as one man/one woman. Aravosis believes that the gay marriage ban is just the beginning of the government's interference into the sex lives of American adults, and that Scalia has stated that he believes that such acts as masturbation should be made illegal. Which brings the question obvious to wankers and diddlers everywhere: how are you going to regulate masturbation? You can't enforce that type of law without a rather twisted enforcement infrastructure:
1) Raiding and shutting down venerable wanker-supply businesses such as Toys in Babeland, Forbidden Fruit, and Good Vibrations; seizure of records of who ordered what and when (oops! I'm on that list!) and with what credit card and to what address.
2) Internet providers hand over info to the Feds detailing who has been downloading too many Lindsey Lohan movie stills.
3) Acrimonious college roommates turning each other in to the authorities based on bogus eyewitness accounts.
4) Labels on porno films: WARNING! DO NOT HANDLE GENITALIA WHILE WATCHING THIS FILM.
5) Specially trained canines sniffing out trash bins for soiled tissues.
6) Personal lubricants only sold to married people at special government-run lube shops. Halliburton named the only legal supplier of petroleum-based, condom eroding industrial lubricants. People forced to score Astroglide on the black market.
7) Spike in homicides, other violent crimes, and arranged marriages.
8) Moralistic anti-masturbation crusaders promoting expensive and cleverly-edited "Hands Off The Merchandise!" PSAs, special chemicals snuck into lotions designed to stain hands if they come in contact with semen.
9) Horny Americans crossing the border to partake in prostitutes and semi-private service station washrooms.
10) Nighttime raids on teenage boys bedrooms.
11) A gaggle of ironic SNL sketches about what happens after you get caught masturbating by the police.
Posted by Zerd at June 5, 2006 06:50 PM12. Increase in minor violation convictions among military members.
13. Extended prison sentences for prison inmates due to crimes committed in cell blocks.
Posted by: KORfan at June 6, 2006 05:26 PM