January 05, 2007
Won't you be my mentor tonight?
I've been thinking a lot about Smith lately, and I got to tell you, I missed out on a LOT of opportunities while there. Not only did I fail to do the right thing and major in theater like I intended (although I would suggest a serious student of theater go elsewhere), but I also failed to make any lasting impression on the place, save for all the junk I stuck in the archives without going through the accessioning process.
I was reading Bob's On Wisconsin magazine, which has a lot more folksy and middle-America articles of general interest, unlike my sugar-mama the SAQ, which never fails to alienate the lesbians and any alums whose net worth is less than that of Jeb Bush (whose net worth is pretty low, considering), and there was an article about how UW's Bucky Badger was recently welcomed into the Mascot Hall of Fame or some other great honor that only collegiate mascots can enjoy. Smith, being NCAA Div III everything, doesn't have a real mascot like Bucky. There this vague notion that we were "The Pioneers," referring to the Pioneer Valley and women being pioneers in their fields, bla bla, but not a real, furry mascot that your kids can run out to on the field during half-time and hug and get a photo taken with. Which is why I want to give to the Smith community Sophie the Squirrel.
First, take a look around mascot land. They are all male. Even if Bucky doesn't have a big badgery penis hanging down below his red W sweater, it doesn't mean he's not a boy. Sophie the Squirrel is female, but not in a "male character wearing a bow or a pink dress" way. She's female because her name is Sophie. And because I said so.
Second, most collegiate mascots are animals that are relatively indigenous to the school's local fauna. Wisconsin has badgers, Florida's got gators, Washington has huskies. What does Smith have? SQUIRRELS. They run the place. Plus, squirrels are very industrious creatures, just like Smithies. And the males look like the females, except for their very obvious squirrel testicles.
There has to be some rich alum somewhere (that's another thing the SAQ won't ever put in print: RICH ALUM. They'll show a picture of some old lady with 500K worth of diamonds around her neck with three last names talking about how Smith is in her will, but they'll never say she's rich in print, because that's 'in poor taste' or some such bullshit) who would fund the creation of Sophie the Squirrel and offer an honorarium to a very deserving student who would love nothing more than donning a furry squirrel suit and doing a little dance on the rugby field while the scrum overturns the water cooler on those dykes from Mount Holyoke.
I want a cut of the merchandising.
NEWSFLASH:
Image from: "Magnetic resonance imaging of male and female genitals during coitus and female sexual arousal"
Hey! Who got to fuck in the MRI can? And how'd they get two people to do that? I thought you had to hold still.
Also on the same topic, this is a friend of mine's dream girl:
Some of you might remember her with her giant '70s glasses trying to teach you something.
Posted by Zerd at January 5, 2007 04:55 PM