I just got the most heinous advancement letter from the College. This completely out-of-touch overachieving twat spends two pages detailing her many admirable accomplishments while at Smith, spewing marketing drivel and inviting me to "join [her] in providing this priceless opportunity to others by giving to Smith again." I wouldn't even buy this bitch a beer, much less contribute to her fucking future.
Rather than write her an e-mail telling her just what an insipid, thoughtless, vain, and out-of-touch douchebag she is, I am going to contact the Smith development office and ask them to allow me to write the next development letter. Sure, they'll balk, saying that nine years out of the place I should have more tangible successes under my belt before I go representing for the College. They only like to flaunt women who are art museum curators and state senators, not pre-published novelists and improv comedians. But, I'll counter, I'm just an average alum. People can relate to me. I'm funny, and my unorthodox approach to Why You Should Give (I believe you should give, just not because Megan Douchebag '07 is such an overachiever) would be intelligent, realistic, respoectful, and would not make anyone want to vomit. I'm not sitting on a tufted stool bragging about being student government president because here in Alumnaeland, that is a meaningless accomplishment. MEANINGLESS. I'm sure her parents get off on bragging about her and are elated that their kid thinks that 30-year-olds give a rat's ass about her house officer positions, but obviously it hasn't occurred to her that alums don't live their lives the way she does. Fortunately, she's only got three months left of her little Northampton dream world. May life's disappointments kick her swiftly in her ass.
Posted by Zerd at February 24, 2007 04:52 PMI'm so glad you reacted similarly to Meagan Douchebag. Who, I ask, is going to be inspired to give to Smith because of the student government president? I'm surprised she didn't include her SAT scores and her First Place Certificate from the 1997 Young Douchebag Spelling Tournament.
I managed the motherfucking Phone-a-Thon when I was at Smith! I would happily write a Why You Should Give letter that centers on the thankless task of being a phone-a-thon employee who has to actually WORK for a living while in college and therefore maybe didn't have time to be the student government president. Oh, and also because I was busy smoking pot and making out with UMass drop-outs, but I'll leave that out.
Posted by: Karen at March 1, 2007 03:58 PMKaren, thank you for your comment. Did we know each other at Phone-a-Thon? I was a minion there, too. I am always polite to those Smithies when they call and ask me for money. I may not give them any money, but I'm not going to harsh on them, either.
Posted by: Mo at March 1, 2007 11:55 PMI think we were there at the same time...as soon as I clicked "post" I thought I rememebered you there as well. Misty and water-colored...
I always give them ten bucks if they can get through to me.
Posted by: Karen at March 2, 2007 12:25 PM