Le maudit Mo D.

Insult Humor Unleashed!

FXFO is upon us, as evidenced by the presence in my home of two red rolly suitcases belonging to my Heroes School classmate and compadre Hinky Corer. He makes use of the spare bed every year during the second full week of March, when professional starfuckers descent here to felch and chuff the life out of my beloved city. I will not stand in a long line at a club with my little fingies crossed hoping I'll get to see a band only to get turned away by a surly bouncer getting paid to pronounce some piece of New York trash more deserving than I just because they have some gay black laminate around their necks that their retard employer paid $500 for them to wave around like they own the place. Southwest, the official airline of Le Maudit, decided to jack up their airfares for the week, preventing me from taking my extremely fun vay-cay to the Division of Surgery, Johns Hopkins Medical School while the fungus is here making traffic worse.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DAY PARTIES?!?!?

I digress. L'annee 2007 is the official year of Maudit Grump as far as I'm concerned. Pre-and-post op, I will filter everything through a sieve of negativity:

ICE CREAM: Thanks for serving me frozen cow teat fat, asshole. You want me to put this in my mouth?
BOB: Hey, you do your conservative retard character really well. You weren't doing a bit? Really? I married you?
SHOES: Goddamn laces flopping all over the place, like some dude's weiner... Get some Viagra, bitches.
IMPROV: So you think it's cool to pretend, eh? A hundred years ago they would have had you committed to an asylum for that shit.
FRESH VEGETABLES: Your time is limited, veggies. An ounce of broccoli is going to be worth more than a goddamn diamond by the time I'm sixty. Munch it down, bitches!
ANAL SEX: Hey, soap-dropper! You dropped the soap! Need some help with that?
THE WORKS OF J.D. SALINGER: Someday some fucked-up dude is going to read MY novel before assassinating someone! Take that, hermit!
MINT: If you want to feel like you just got done blowing your dentist, sure! It's a GREAT flavor!
MICHIGAN: Hey, Michigan! Yeah, you up there! You've got your thumb up Ontario's ass!

Clearly this is the year that I master insult humor.

Honestly, I'm not that hostile. I'm probably jealous that I didn't get a job at some little alterna-paper straight out of college writing insult humor for a column instead of being an ex-librarian/pre-published novelist (that shit is ALMOST DONE, bitches. This lady can complete a gdamn novel in 6 months!) All the Fuck-bys are so much cooler than me. All I do is sit at home and complain. I need to diversify. I've got MAJOR POST-OP PLANS that include international travel (I've got my eye on Patagonia, thanks to last Sunday's Times Travel article), getting a job/more graddy school, and taking up some ridiculous athletic undertaking like MOUNTAIN BIKING. Something that requires more than 62% lung capacity.

It will feel odd not to feel like an orchid or a powderkeg.

As far as houseguests go, Hinky is among the lowest-maintenance. He has his own vehicle, a pre-set schedule of activities, and always treats us to dinner. Houseguests should follow Hinky's example.

You know you want to see my bitch-ass perform:

Freitag:

GEEGSTERS
10pm
HIDEOUT

followed by

TANKPROV
(me, Bob, and Mike "Hoss" Kinald as a World War II German Tank crew)
11:30pm
COLDTOWNE

Posted by Zerd at March 8, 2007 09:56 PM