Le maudit Mo D.

panty raid

I've felt like crap the last few days. My dormant sciatica has returned and I've had a prolonged and messy encounter with Aunt Flo this week. I realized on the can yesterday (I do a lot of thinking on the can) that I've more than half way through my menstrual life. I've had the damn thing for twenty years now and can expect to go another 15-17. Then I will be slammed with some harsh menopausal bullshit that will be heartily chronicled in the preferred vanity medium of 2022. Which is also the year I'll be needing to get Coco a graduation present. (calendar marked!)

I've also been waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I'm about to die. I'm in some dreamlike state, I guess, and I feel around at my broken chest and make sure that my heart is still beating. It usually is. Then I contemplate whether or not I should get up and go to the bathroom or something. Weird. I should speak to a professional about this.

Anyway, tonight is the bachelorette par-tay of Miss Sha-nay-nay and I am currently preparing for her enjoyment the second round of pudenda-fabulous snacks. The first batch, canned pears filled with pudding and topped with a maraschino clit and chocolate pube shavings, tasted awful, so I trashed those and went for the more familiar and traditional vaginal cupcake, which is a normal, plain cupcake topped with pink frosting, a maraschino clit, and brown frosting curlies. I also got hummus and Sha-nay-nay's favorite carbonated beverage, Fresca.

On the box of Duncan Hines Moist Deluxe (pun not lost on me), the copy reads:

EVERYONE YOU LOVE DESERVES DUNCAN HINES: "When you bake a cake it's likely a special treat for the special people in your life. You care enough to take the time to bake a cake, so make it the moistest, most delicious cake you can. Make it Duncan Hines."

Well, shit. I just about welled up and blubbed out some monster tears over that gorgeous sentiment. I do love my Geegsters, so much that I make not one but two rounds of vaginey desserts for them upon the occasions of their nuptials. But then I remembered that throughout most of my teenage and adult life, I was known to bake cakes FOR MYSELF, because I deserve a moist delicious cake as much as the next person. I only pull out the vulvular decorations for special occasions, though.

I should have made tofu pups-in-a-blanket for phallic balance.

Posted by Zerd at May 4, 2007 02:35 PM