While I was away, the air conditioning unit at my house was replaced after two decades of faithful service. Here in Texas, you don't want to skimp on the a/c. This new unit has a rather loud hum to it, a whoosh sound as if there were constantly a plane flying overhead.
The lady in the seat next to mine on the Hartford-Dallas leg of my trip was lacking in social graces. During my layover, I wrote the following poems:
Douchy lady
Wants my seat
My aisle seat
Where life is sweet
NO! I shouted for all to hear
In defense of my seat preference
She wobbled, pointed, accused me of taking her
Rightful property
Douchy lady
Twitchy, uncomfortable, complaining
Should you like to spend the remainder of
The flight in plastic handcuffs?
Never ask Mo
To give up her aisle seat
Unless you are a cripple
At eye level with my pudgy tummy
As the hatch is opened beside the jetway
And the tummy pudge of another woman
She asks both of us if we are pregnant
I laugh. Such poor manners.
Surely this douchy woman’s head ain’t right.
Umbrage was taken by the other woman
Grabbing her plentiful midsection
Furrowing her brow
Clenching her tongue
I feel her tightening like a rubber band
She tells the douchy lady she is insulting
“But babies are a blessing?” she backtracks.
“Babies are a blessing, right?”
She digs deeper. She has twelve backhoes. There is a trench of bad manners.
Snicker snicker eyeroll
That long exhale
Denoting insult
I tell her I am about to have heart surgery
I cannot have children
She apologizes
I must amend my statement
Never ask Mo to give up her
Aisle Seat
Unless you are a PHYSICAL cripple
Social cripples can sit with the sedated pets
Douchy lady consumed an entire column of
Lay’s STAX potato crisps
Competitor to Pringles
Inferior plastic tube of blue
The salt ‘n vinegar variety is mouth-curlingly sour
Douchy lady
Has no friends
Drank a Pepsi on the plane
Innards full of bubbles
My growing baby is a giant fart
I wait until I deplane to birth it
It smells like a stockyard
Stomach still hurts
Still full of bubbles
No amount of ass blow seems to help
I am not discreet
Western Massachusetts
Green, rolling hills
The No More Prisons graffiti guy
Has tagged in Northampton
Delivering Chinese Food
At Smith College
Plentiful, visible breasts
The best tip of all
Dallas Airport
Shiny new terminal
A mall with gates
And $9 margaritas
Maybe I should get a Blackberry?
I know that woman over there
She enjoys the arts in Austin
Another A-towner I know by sight
If only I had free AIC tickets
Perfect Perfect Paradise
Now even more perfect
Trader Joe's simmer sauces
Delicious, reasonably priced
Indeed, the PV has a Trader Joe's, giving it a very high liveability rating by yours truly. Austin needs a TJs. BAD.