Le maudit Mo D.

Written Harold #1

New blog challenge: Written Harolds

1a) I have the password to my mother's e-mail account. She can't get with the whole "check e-mail everyday" thing and she often gets time-sensitive things, so I make a point to peek in everyday for her. I usually don't read anything from her friends, but lately I've been noticing some charming subject lines coming from her former spirit guide and Shamanic mentor (back in the '90s my mother trained in the Shaman's Way), like TAKE BACK AMERICA FROM THE EVILS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION, RACE WARS IMMINENT, and BLACKS ARE RACIST TOO.

2a) Today I did something I swore I'd never do, something I find indulgent and retarded, but the truth is, it's my own fault. Since leaving the workaday world, I have been criminally sloppy in maintaining my nice work clothes. Due to the distinct lack of closet space our house has, there is crap piled waist-high in my closet, bulging out, and as such, things don't get hung up all nice right away. I should colonize some of Bob's closet space is what I should do. I have a job interview tomorrow, and all of my nice skirts have DRY CLEAN ONLY tags on them. Knowing that I wouldn't get 24-hour turn-around if I took them to the cleaners, I went to the mall to buy a nice outfit because all my other nice outfits were DIRTY. I hate this, but I did it anyway.

3a) I ate some shitty vegan soft serve in my car today. It tasted like fermented gravel and left an unpleasant medicinal aftertaste. Also, Bob and I also wrote a really bitchin' sketch this morning about the Civil War.

1b) Correct me if I'm wrong, lady, but aren't you supposed to be a spiritual woman? Who spends months with tribespeople in Peru and Nicaragua to study how to communicate with wolves and serve as a conduit between the spirit and natural worlds? Isn't your purpose to help people, to be loving and kind and accepting? What's with all this crazy reactionary conspiracy-theory white power bullcrap? You are a woman who insinuates herself into indigenous traditions for money! And here you are sending my mother instructions on how to clear illegal Mexicans out of emergency rooms by posing as La Migra all so you can get quicker service?!?!?

2b) So I went to the Hi-land Mall. La Geegsters have a shopping date here on Saturday and my ladies can rest assured that there is plenty of pink-and-black skankwear available. That place has got to be the Butt Cleavage Capital of Austin. The place was lousy with young women in too-tight jeans that were squishing their butt cheeks together and up, over the waistband. Also, it seems that a lot of parents think that a mall is a worthy arena for unsupervised babysitting. I saw several hoards of little kids running and jumping about, with no adults in sight. I forgot that HL Mall doesn't have an Ann Taylor, so I went into the Nanner. Of course, when I shop I do it old-money style, looking like complete broke-ass shit, when in fact I'm not. All I need to complete the look is an '82 Mercedes with Connecticut plates and some ugly glasses.

3b) I brought home the remains of the soft serve and had Bob try it. He agreed, it was totally nasty. I ate more than I wanted because I paid $2 for it, but it was cold ass on a spoon. I threw it out.

1c) At the mall, my brain was going into overdrive, disgusted at the germ clouds and the gaggles of poorly-parented kids. ELITIST WHITE GIRL BUYS PANTS AT THE GAP! HELLO! The kids and the exposed butt cleavage came in shades of brown, of course, but here I was, FORMER TRUST FUND KID SHOPPING ON A TUESDAY AFTERNOON wanting to abandon that dump like Detroit in the '60s...oh, shit, did I just...?

2c) I ask my mother why she doesn't give G.W. Bush's shaman the heave-ho, or at least tell her to quit e-mailing her those icky racist missives with links to websites that claim that unless we act now, the USA will be overtaken by Islamic militants, complete with a picture of a pair of frightened blue eyes peeking out of a burka. Mom is almost 60, and women that age are always polite and never tell anyone where to stick it, so of course she's not going to. I want to tell this woman that her service to humanity as a so-called healer is vastly negated by her frequent transmission of hater e-mails, but my mom would get pissed if I did that.

3c) Whatever made me think that vegan soft-serve would taste good?

Posted by Zerd at August 21, 2007 03:26 PM