Le maudit Mo D.

ladies of the schnoz

Last night I was looking at myself in the mirror and noticing that the aging process is subtley taking its toll on my face. I've got a bit of eye wrinkle and a little cheek hang. I also noticed, and maybe this is just me, that my nose was starting to look a little bigger. I already have a big ol' Armenian honker nose, so any further snoot growth is going to turn me into Jimmy Durante. I'm not a vain person, but I have been made to feel self-conscious about my nose my whole life. On The Worst Day of My Life, the day I substitute taught at an elementary school, kids actually came up to me and said that my nose was big and ugly. Rather than sock them in the face or remind them that my tax dollars are going to pay for their future incarceration, I told them that they were being mean or said nothing. My mother actually said to my face once that I was never going to get a boyfriend with this nose and I'd better schedule plastic surgery tout suite unless I wanted to end up a miserable spinster. Obviously, I proved her ass wrong, but still: ouch.

Anyway, holding me back is, of course, plastic surgery is, like, totally against my religion unless you were disfigured in an accident or your septum is so deviated you can't breathe. I guess plastic surgery is a requirement if you work in the adult film industry. At any rate, joining the ranks of dark-complected Glendale armo bitches running around with dainty noses on their otherwise swarthy ethnic faces isn't my style.

Some Armenian plastic surgeon recently ran a "Best Armenian Nose" contest in Armenia. The winner got a free nose job. Here is a pic of the winner:

This is what I'm talking about, Glendale! You can see chicks like these waiting around for their Pinkberry and yakking in Hayeren on their cellphones all over LA County! This woman is, I believe, Armenian from Armenia. Anyway, her after shot is, in my mind, no great example of beauty or the answered prayer that is rhinoplasty.

There have been several beautiful and/or striking women who have totally rocked the Roman nose over the years to great effect. The First is Princess Berar, the last Ottoman Princess. Bitch was a Turk whose family had a hand in exterminating mine, but we are genetically related and therefore share the same lovely nose:

This photo is kind of small, but you get the point. She was known as an "unusual beauty" throughout Asia Minor.

The other big-nosed lady of note that I can think of is British poet (and Harry's collection subject) Edith Sitwell:

Edith was not really known as a great beauty, but words such as "striking" and "unusual" were employed to describe her.

Here is a statue of her head:

Of course, who can forget the career-ending nose job of actress Jennifer Grey? She went from perky, pleasant, and unique-looking star of Dirty Dancing to plain and unrecognizable. Risking ending up like her, or like Miss Armenian Nose Job up above, has always kept me out of the plastic surgeon's office. Bob likes my nose because he says it helps him pick me out of crowds.

At any rate, I have a chest crater that requires surgical attention before I start going after my nose, so this is all just me talking at this point.

Posted by Zerd at September 21, 2007 09:10 AM