Le maudit Mo D.

a short history of the tourco thread fracas

Instead of honoring today's rightful Maudit Artist, I can't help but use this space to do a poor job honoring the life and work of Behemoth. What can I say about it other than, "See, Gloria Steinem said he's not the biggest enemy to feminism, neener neener?" Not a whole lot. Instead, I am going to continue my belated mission to conduct myself in a more Maileresque fashion, and that means picking fights and/or issuing sage observations on the conflicts of others, whether or not they were asked for.

The Austin Improv Cabal caught wind of Mailer's tempest exiting the mortal coil this week when issues of manners, propriety, knowing one's place, and who gets to be a critic all came to an ugly head on the Rollicking Improv Commentary boards, which run off a server located in our modest north Austin home. Offense, umbrage, parsing, and comparisons to the last century's top men of letters splattered forth like a teenage pimple, and the whole community remains coated in its pus. Future anthropologists might track these events thusly:

1) Alamo Drafthorse announces that UCB Tourco will perform two respectable shows on a Wednesday evening at their new Ritz location.
2) AIC-ers rejoice; champagne bottles pop. Soldiers sound off, one two; purchase tickets online with credit cards, paying a $1 surcharge to do so.
3) Ticketholders/seasoned improvisers use their imaginations to envision superlative, orgasmic improv originating from the loins of the Upstart Denizens who will be gracing our burg with wit and skill foreign to zip codes starting with 787.
4) En masse, the Cabal enters the theater, quaffs brews, cheers for Cody and his CT deluxe promotional video, and watches respectfully as the New Yorkers take the stage, issue comedy, fear for their lives on the precarious stage.
5) After an enjoyable evening out, people report to the forums, issue opinions of varying degrees, none of which utilize words like "suck," "balls," "waste," "full refund," or "expurgate."
6) Dual citizen Jill, an Upstart Denizen herself and fine Austin comedy export to the Apple, reports that some of her new UCB friends might see these comments and be hurt by them.
7) The Army of Being Nice, led by chieftain R. Janik, charges hither with swords of deletion.
8) Naysayers, the likes of which have lost a few teeth at McSorley's over the years, remove their penknives from their breast pockets and plunder.
9) Because we are in the south and Texas hospitality is ingrained in each and every one of us, blame is focused inward. We become the assholes. Members of an organization cofounded by a jackhole who used to call my roommate at all hours to drunkenly insult her abilities are assumed to have hides thinner than soup while so-called southern gentleman take potshots at each other, but politely. I shit you not.
10) Gentlemen recently awarded Maudit Artist status smack each other upside the head. One later issues a red telephone.
11) We are reminded that all the internet's the stage; men and women merely complainers.
12) Mistrust for those getting paid a living wage for performing improv shows conveyed. A hummerlimo disco party was kicked off on an adjacent thread. Marzipan universities; '80s nightmares rendered in leather.
13) "Mommy Daddy Don't Fight!"
14) The popularity of the name Justin in the late 1970s provokes a quest for identity.
15) Literary merit of entries questioned. It was established at some point in all this that I was doubling for Mailer, but after careful consideration, I passed that honor off to an associate who is more acerbic and quick-to-pounce than me, and took up the mantle of George Plimpton for myself. Other comparisons were made to RFK, Vidal, Torn.
16) Kaci reveals that she is a test tube baby! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE PICK UP ON THIS!?!?!? I think this is the major tragedy of the entire sordid mess.
17) Video clip of Mailer shit-talking Vidal.
18) Sara ranks frequency of responses. I place at #5. although I never issued my opinion on the UCB show!!
19) Another invite to the Hummerlimo Disco Party
20) Sense is injected like cream into a Twinkie. It falls out, smears.
21) Bluff. Called.
22) Melvin Van Peebles, vague reference to Sweet Sweetback.
23) Invitations to play Scrabulous on Facebook.
24) misuse of the term "crunk"
25) Begging, pleading to let the thread die.

16 full-screen pages of scathing, ridiculous discourse! Viva!

**UPDATE** The fat lady is gargling with salt water! It ain't over, folks. Since this afternoon, three more pages of startling, inflammatory, bizarre-ass contributions to what is proving to become an AIC legend have appeared and must get the Maudit treatment:

26) The wildfire has spread to Chicago, where DollarBill pronounces "EFF YOU IT'S NOT A CONTEST" and brags that his method of breathing sense into the melee is funnier than a previous pronouncement.
27) BURN!
28) BURN AGAIN! This is turning into the burn unit of the mental hospital.
29) Andy C. offers a photo of a robot with a bowl haircut.
30) Chris A. restrains himself from writing out the full lyrics of "Carry on My Wayward Son." There will be peace when we are done, but I'm starting to think that whatever motivation lies within the black hearts of warmongers and agitators has crept into our food supply. Lay your weary head to rest.
30a) Or perhaps he meant "Dust in the Wind?"
31) Distinct factions of "I love this thread, MORE MORE" and "Please kill this thread" turn crystal clear.
32) Ted takes this golden opportunity to plug his own show!
33) Robin Goodfellow will bite your toes.
34)
35) Jill will accept her award via satellite.
36) Repeated modifications on passive-aggressive treatise posted by Mr. McC, using the bold function to increase or decrease passive-aggression at will, sort of like how a DJ might remix a song.
37) Aden reaches out to the UCB players, let's them know that she's still thinking about them.
38) Chris T. reminds everyone he is available for coaching.
39) Scandinavian crotch-grabber appears only to show off his UCB training.
40) Hummerlimo still taking laps around the block!
41) McN must have a seriously bitching home collection of meaningful jpgs because we got fucking TOLD with his image of a passed out dude receiving the paddles. Meaning KILL THE THREAD! KILL IT! Or maybe USE TECHNOLOGY TO RESUSCITATE IT! Yeah!

I will defer to Bruce Springsteen:
"Everything dies, baby, that's a fact
And maybe everything that dies, someday comes back."

I'm itchin' to write a coda, so if we want to wrap this shit up, let's.

Posted by Zerd at November 14, 2007 01:10 PM