Le maudit Mo D.

I realize and feel the pain you must be going through as a result of the loss of our supreme patriarch vazken. Thus I decided I needed to CHECK IN WITH YOU. WDRE is neat but I'd take the real Dr. Dre anyway. BTW, this was made especially for your enjoyment and sensual pleasure by the Xandria Co--er, my new computer. Bryn Mawr is pretty nice, especially since they don't sell "Coed Naked Lacrosse" t-shirts. But there are a few too many totally p.c. pseudo-intellectual types here for my taste. But hey, there's hardly any stucco, so it's a good trade, right? I start work in the dining hall tonight. Another new experience.

Another new expereince is not being the smartest person in class. Ooh. That's rough. But at least I'm not taking any math/science classes this semester (I know, you enver have to take any). I also think that I have the widest selection of computer games of anyone on my hall, so I think that should count for something. It's not everyone who can beat the 1,000,000 barrier on Jeopardy. See, I am special. Even though I don't feel lik eit right now because I didn't get any real mail today. Someday you too will feel with shitty when your Smith(s) College box is empty except for some on-campus junk mail. People out here are not all that friendly. The east coast is not the utopia I once held it to be. So I guess either everywhere sucks or else the west coast is really neat. The racism/political correctness bugs me. People here are so prejudiced but the SAME people are the ones who jumped all over me for saying "black" instead of "african-american." Sucky, huh?

Many of the people on my floor choose an alternative lifestyle. I hear Bud sucks penises at Haverford in exchange for a tuition discount. Did I tell you I used the men's restrooms at Haverford with my friend from Visalia? We were caught by the janitor. Sticky situation. Those pesky fords really hate use mawrters (YES people really do call themselves that)). I don't know why. The girls seem to hate us the most. It has been pleasant weather here though. Small blessings. My French class seems tres facile.

Oh Yeah. We went to a party and mocked all the inebriated fords. The party mostly consisted of an unfathomably long line for that sweet nectar, that liquid from heaven, that blessed beverage, BEER.

Well. We have call waiting here, too. (I kept wondering what that weird beeping was). So ha. Shit College, Northampton, Mass.

I received our letter today. I began reading it over dinner but my urge for bean curd was so unbearable that it was necessary to give it my full attention.

College life is a pretty dismal expereince. How dismal is it? On Friday I find myself watching Family Matters with a box of Cheezits (bad habits die hard) in my hand. By the way, have you noticed the sexual tension between Steve Urkel and Mr. Winslow?

Did I tell you that I went to Taste of Szechuan (fabled S.D. Chinese food restaurant). Me and Warren decided to go because the wait at Corvette's was too damn long. It took about half an hour before we realized "Rockville USA" by The Turks wasn't going to be played. The food at Taste is pretty good. Hell, what am I saying , it was tremendous. I've never had a better bowel movement in my whole life. But I don't think you want me to go into that. You have to go. It's totally worth sitting next to a ga couple who are fondling while eating their dinner and a guy named Hsu repeatedly filling your glass of water.

I've stocked my refrigerator with numerous nutritious items: soda, popsicles purloined from the cafeteria, and an unopened jar of mayonnaise. Don't you wish you were my roommate?

Speaking of roommate, Jason is a good guy. Big Pearl Jam fan. I take showers with him all the time. For your information, a sturdy tile partition sepearates us at all times. The guys in my suite are all pretty cool.

Could you send me your e-mail code? I haven't set up my account yet but I will. We can continue our tradition of witty banter.

Mental note: in the next letter, you should remind me to buy binoculars. Don't people know that we perverts watch you when your shades are up?

Hey, Woody Allen is on the cover of ESQUIRE. Get it. It's really a good article. There's also another article on the male orgasm. A very enriching read.

I should be going now. It's 2am and Jason is sleeping. Take care of yourself and lay off that Sylvia Plath crap. I think Shel Silverstein has a new book out.