Now that I'm into my thirties, menstruation has taken on a bit of urgency. I don't remember having a lot of cramps in my twenties, but for some reason my teenage dysmenorrhea has returned. I imagine that my uterus is angry at me for being left barren.
UTERUS: (pounding on my abdomen) Hey! Mo! I want a baby! Why don't you give me a baby, huh?
MO: I don't want a baby.
UTERUS: Sure you do! All women want a baby! It's encoded in your DNA. How do you think the species sustains itself? Go get yourself knocked up.
MO: Bob and I do it all the time.
UTERUS: (rolls equivalent of eyes) THAT guy? He shoots blanks, you dumbass! He is persona non grata to me.
MO: He's my husband.
UTERUS: Well, from an evolutionary perspective, he stinks.
MO: True, but this was a decision we made together.
UTERUS: And I'm here to override it. Here, have some cramps.
MO: OW!
UTERUS: And some more cramps!
MO: OW!!
UTERUS: How about dizziness and nausea? You wanna go lie down?
MO: Yes!
UTERUS: Now how about you lie down and spread your legs and let a fertile man impregnate you?
MO: NO!
UTERUS: COME ON! You held Delia and you thought she was cute, didn't you?
MO: Well, yeah.
UTERUS: Don't you want one of your own?
MO: My aorta will blow up if I get pregnant.
UTERUS: Aorta schmaorta, come on!
(internal telephone ring)
UTERUS: (answers phone) Hello?
AORTA: Hey, uterus.
UTERUS: Ooooh! Aorta, the party fart! We were just talking about you! You fuck-up. You ruined everything. You got me fired from my job! I accumulate blood every month and for what? Nothing. All because you're all enlarged and shit.
AORTA: Yeah. Sorry about that.
UTERUS: I'm gonna come up there and kick your ass.
AORTA: Please don't. Mo has to take beta blockers so I don't get any bigger.
UTERUS: Fucking aorta.
MO: Aorta! Uterus! Please! I'm perfectly happy to not be a mother. It's not for me.
AORTA: I might kill you. Nothing personal, Mo. I'm just not very sturdy.
UTERUS: Why couldn't I be in the body of one of those breeder-ass Christian women? Those uteruses are like workhorses, man.
MO: Well, nice talking to you guys. Uterus, please be nice to me. Don't take any of this personally. There are a lot of reasons for all of this.
UTERUS: Okay Mo. I'm sorry. Though I tend to get a little hostile every month between the 24th and the 28th.
MO: I know.
AORTA: Bye!
UTERUS: Fucking asshole aorta.
(gives Mo's abdomen one last punch)
MO: OW!
i'm sorry that you aren't feeling well but this was really fucking hilarious.
Posted by: andrea at January 28, 2008 06:34 PMI had bad cramps in my teen years. The pill helped and then so did childbearing. Things are getting worse though. I wish hysterectomies weren't so difficult.
Posted by: jules at January 29, 2008 09:03 AMthis is approximately the funniest dialogue I have ever read.
I never had any cramps in my teenage years, but when I was 20, my period suddenly began to result in awful, debilitating cramps that refused to budge even slightly for any wimpy OTC pain meds. this continued for a few years and it really sucked.
Posted by: margaret at January 30, 2008 12:40 PM