Dear Hummus,
What is up, old friend? The last week I was sick and craving you something mad. I drove my coughy, sneezy ass down to Sarah's Med Market and bought a container of you and ate you right up quick, only to find you talking A LOT behind my back! They ought to put a warning on the hummus label: CONSUMPTION WILL RESULT IN LOTS OF FARTING! Eating you at home was okay. Bob is entertained when my ass turns into a brass band. My butt trumpet was tooting loudly and with great force. But when I am out in public, I don't want to be wrestling with my colon, trying to make it stay quiet when a little dab of garbanzo dip turns it into a high school marching band. EMBARRASSMENT!
I can't turn my back on you, hummus. I love you too much. But you've got to do me a favor and tone it down. I'm trying to sell a manuscript. These are important times.
Love,
Mo
Dear Stash Green Tea Sampler,
I am going to drink the holy fuck out of you. Nine different flavors of green tea. My throat feels like I've been swallowing broken bottles so I've been mad craving you and your antioxidant goodness. HOT TEA! FUCK YEAH!
I look at your eighteen envelopes of nine different flavors (white and black tea blends, ginger peach, plain, chai, etc.) and I'm like a gigolo at a dance club. I'm going to taste each and every one of you and when I'm done I'm throwing your wet, spent bag in the trash. And then I'm moving onto the next one. That's right, Green Tea Sampler. This is a relationship of convenience, and when I'm done, I'm done. Deal.
--Mo
Posted by Zerd at February 23, 2008 01:19 PM