Le maudit Mo D.

i didn't think pandagon intended to make me feel badly about myself

Holy shit! I just read a review of the book "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters," about the social expectation for women to demonstrate how perfect and in-control they are by being thin. I've always been in the "fuck that shit" camp. I've been plowing desserts and deep fried nacho cheese niblets down my gullet with self-imposed impunity for years now. Maybe it's an advantage I have being tall, but while I've often wished I didn't pack the gut, I've never worked super-extra-hard to get rid of it. Being married and not actively trying to date anyone also relieves me of the effort of caring. Fuck it. I'm me. Bob's digs me. Who the fuck cares?

But now, after reading the review and the reader comments, I'm like, holy shit...I'm fugly and have been subtly punished by society for it. I always blew it off when callow dudes from improv would say to my face who they thought the hottest Geegsters were and not mention my name (Shana always got a special mention by these asswipes for being superlatively talented--cold comfort there). I'm reviewing the list of dudes who have rejected me and I'm thinking is my tummy pudge and Armo nose and size 12/14 jeans to blame for all this? Were the numerous guys who are only attractive to freaks like me were holding out for lithe callipygian maidens even though they were, say, rocking a sparse white-trashy mustache or suffered from early-onset androgenic alopecia? Bob fucking smolders with hotness in my opinion, and he's over 40, has a beer belly, and occasionally has eyebrows like Andy Rooney. I'm just saying.

And why such the narrow definition of beauty? Some of the most beautiful women I know are chubby. Who are we really trying to please? I already know I'm invisible to most men. I have been my whole life. What else is new? The thing is, I figured out early on that these loser douchewads weren't worth trying to impress. If I have to forgo cookies and bust my ass at the gym to be merely considered human, then fuck it. You've got to work really fucking hard to impress me.

I'm going to go eat a piece of my birthday cake and ponder this some more.