Le maudit Mo D.

i talk to my food

As our kitchen has been decommissioned for the remodel, I must now take my meals outside the homestead at one of the many affordably-priced eateries near my home. This means I eat a lot of sandwiches, tacos, and rice bowls at Zen, aka Rice Dumpster (Bob's affectionate name for it). Today I decided to get my midday victuals at Thunderbutt Subs. Thunderbutt, (not the coffeehouse of a similar name) you might recall, has bread that I have compared unfavorably to paper towels. I decided that the heavenly pillow that is Schlotzsky's bread was not worth the 1.5 mile drive out of my way and zipped through the Thunderbutt drive-thru and ordered a veggie sub on wheat.

Wheat. "Wheat " is the color of unbleached paper towels and tastes about as good. I don't know how these people go out of their way to create bread that looks like and tastes like paper towels. You'd think that after years of dominating A-town's hippie sandwich market, they'd come up with something that tastes at least as decent as day-old Roman Meal. Some old hippie along the way must have accidentally eaten a paper towel whilst toking or tripping and returned to his job at the Thunderbutt bakery and said, "dudes, I made a sandwich on paper towels instead of bread and it was totally bitchin'!"

Still, I decided to get a sandwich there and eat it on my front stoop, waiting for my contractor to pull up in his shiny contractor truck. As I will be paying for his gas for that thing for the next three weeks, I don't want to waste any of his time.

Because I eat lunch alone a lot these days, I started talking to my sandwich. "Fuck, you taste like paper towels, stupid bread." The more I ate it, the more the brown loaf of "wheat" began to remind me of standard unbleached paper towel rolls, like the ones you find in public bathrooms nationwide. "What life choices led me to be sitting here on a stoop in the heat in Austin, eating a goddamn sandwich made of paper towel bread?"

I recently conceded that although I love New England something wicked, the food in Texas is way better than it is there. I like smoky things, spicy things, serrano/cascabel/Hatch/scotchbonnet/chipotle peppers, tortillas that don't suck, and even greasy, meaty Tex-Mex enchilada sauce, which one cannot get in my home state of California. Eating at a diner with the lovely K. Shea in Boston last May, I lamented that there were no Mexican flavored omelet offerings. I am a Southwest girl, really, as far as my taste buds are concerned.

But you know what? In my six years in the hallowed East, never once did I eat a sandwich made with bread that tasted like paper towels.

Fucking fuck paper towels fuckety fuck fuck.

And now I'm hungry again.

Posted by Zerd at July 28, 2008 04:34 PM