Part of the reason that I want to move back to ol' Noho, Mass is that I can be guaranteed never to run into the machinations of the American Caucasian Underclass during my daily affairs. A trip to the post office can be a Rockwellian exchange with a friendly postal worker instead of a place where one witnesses a fat, ugly troll of a woman slapping around an infant. I understand that at the rate we're going, that soon no place in the U.S. of A. will be free of the poorly-bred, even boutique college towns with large tax burdens.
Today at my local branch of the P.O., I was sending the autographed Southpaw CD that I procured for my mom (who is a huge Southpaw fan) off to the 'Mar, when I heard some slapping going on on the other side of the room. Assuming that this person was disciplining some rowdy children, I was aghast to turn to look that she was slapping A BABY. That's right: a baby. This poor baby girl couldn't have been more than nine months old and was already engaged in mano a mano combat.
I don't know what a baby could do that would cause even the most ignorant among us to resort to slapping, but this baby had somehow gotten into a fist fight with her trollish grandmother (I assumed that this woman, a haggard mess of jowls and Farrah Fawcett hair, with a heavy metal t-shirt tight across her giant tits, was the grandmother). "You do not slap me!" the troll yelled, visibly angered. This woman was very upset that her granddaughter was unable to recognize the hierarchical power dynamic that allows an adult to slap a baby (in whatever downmarket fetid trailer this bitch fell out of) but not a baby to give as good as she gets. Clearly, the baby is at a cognitive point where imitation is the way she learns about the world, so a slap garners a slap back, even though there is no way that she really understands what she's doing.
Trollish A.C.U. lady, however, had no concept of infant cognition and assumed that the little peanut was picking the kind of fight she'll no doubt be having in thirteen or so years in the parking lot of her alternative education center. So this woman was yelling for all to hear, "don't you slap me back!" between slaps. The baby slapped back. The troll slapped. Real nice family picture there. It's times like this that I regret not having children myself, as I can see that the future of this country is in dire need of some classing up.
She must have picked up on the fact that the other patrons were giving her the stink-eye, as she then qualified her yells with "I'm not even hitting you that hard." Oh, thank heavens for that, bitch! Swatting an infant and expecting her to understand that you're the hitter and she's got to take it because she can sit on your face and smother you with her fat ass before CPS can find your trailer is totally cool if the swats aren't that hard.
At any rate, sealing my beautiful mind off from brazen displays of ignorance sounds like one heck of a good deal, even if it means paying the Commonwealth 1% of my car's value once a year. Gentle rolling hills, sushi, and chubby-cheeked unslapped babies as far as the eye can see. It's a beautiful life.
Posted by Zerd at July 30, 2008 02:32 PMOh my God. I'm horrified but I also can't stop laughing.
Me and you Mo, trailer park prov. C'mon!
Members of the underclass don't exist in Massachusetts? Or is this a rarefied atmosphere where child abuse doesn't take place? Where you see trailers, I see sub-standard housing and slums. The south is not alone.
Posted by: K. at August 2, 2008 05:31 AMI don't know that this nitwit woman lives in a trailer. I was just being an asshole. She's a lousy parent and a shitty human being, but I know plenty of super-rich people who fit that description, too.
Posted by: Mo at August 2, 2008 01:17 PMAh ha. You see, my grandparents used to live in a trailer, so I'm twitchy. My apologies.
Posted by: K, at August 3, 2008 02:04 AM