Le maudit Mo D.

All Things Go, All Things Go

I am itching to travel. I have two glorious weeks of Eastern Canadian Bliss in August, after I become someone's Mrs. I feel that my ass might be getting secretary spread, as I sit all day at my job, and I came home and sat my ass in front of another computer to do some el podcasto. It's pretty much done, I just need to import some music and BAM! Interview with a local improv troupe. My activities result in ass largeness.

The Geegsters have a new slutty opening number that is beyond my sensibility, but simultaneously cool. I've never been one for enforced gender roles, but I'm singing about pink lipstick and high heeled shoes and pretending to snort coke off of another woman's ass. Good times. We are so f-able.

Not much else going on here, besides my lingering pertussis. BLEH. I am understimulated.

Scissor Sharpener

Apox on Levi's! I don't think I've put on weight in the, oh, five or so years since I've forced myself to purchase pants, but I had to buy a size up from my normal size, and it hurt. My feelings hurt. I was not comforted by the fact that all the women folding pants at the dressing room station were high fructose corn syrup-assed. I am tall and I can conceal my middle blump. It is of utmost importance that I can do that. I AM A BRIDE, AFTER ALL!

I got a sneak preview of my wedding updo at le salon this morning and it was so hot and sexxy. Bob's kickstand will go up when sees me.

Coke C2 is the dumbest "diet" beverage ever, because it contains both hfcs AND aspartame. That is dumb and ass.

But the real news today is that Alexis sent me her advance copy of jPod. Finally getting to hold the newest Coupland novel in my hands made me feel effervescent. AND, according to the promotional info on the back, my personal savior will be reading in AUSTIN. I need to get a date on this so I don't schedule anything that day.

List of things

1) An old, grizzly lady called me a man today. She pointed up at me, and I guess with bad eyesight and her being about as tall as a kitchen table, she assumed tall+black coat=man and yelled THIS MAN NEEDS HELP when she saw me. I wanted to make a snide comment about how I actually have estrogen in my body, but thought better of it.

2) I am still coughing like a maniac.

3) Does anyone know the translation of "schlemeckie" and "kuzel?"

4) People who assume they're invited to my wedding make me cross. I mean, it's just my wedding, it's not season tickets to the Ice Bats, people. There are so many cooler things that involve truck-on-truck violence, beating the shit out of defenseless animals, and hurting others that doesn't involve my lame-as-crap wedding. Jeez.

5) Austin is experiencing...AN UNSEASONABLE COLD SNAP. Hot diggity fuck. It's almost APRIL and I had to BUNDLE UP today. This never happens! And there's a freeze advisory tonight. I'm not used to wearing socks this time of year.

6)

Adult Onset

I have bronchitis and perhaps adult-onset asthma. I have been prescribed, for the second time in my life, an albuterol inhaler. Hack, cough cough.

Bob and I had lunch at le petit deli today and at the seat next to us was local rock icon David G. I didn't notice what kind of sammich he was eating, though. I haven't run into him at a restaurant since August of 02.

Last night's powerful storms affected both of my computers but not all thirteen of Bob's. How's that for truth, justice, and the American way? Bob, being the saint he is, fixed mine up with the magic of extention cords. READER, HE IS SO GOOD TO ME I SWEAR. I lerv Bob.

Lerv.

Thunder

Wow. Thunder just made the floor boards in our house creak. Scawy.

Phlegm

I am coughing up phlegm that is alternately bright green (I'd paint the living room this color) or streaked with rust-colored blood (yum!). I will be visiting a physician tomorrow to see if I have, for the umpteen-millionth time in my 30 years, bronchitis. Methink I do.

BLEH.

Ill

I am ill. I have spent the day sleeping, coughing, aching, eating unappetizing foods that are normally appetizing, and languishing upon the couch making use of the DVD player. I hate being sick. I had a raging earache today. I have not had an earache since the '80s. All medical literature available on the interweb on the subject of earaches is targeted to parents of children who are prone to earaches and not adults with earaches. Adults get earaches, too.

The earache has subsided mostly, but at its apex, it felt like a small man named Herman was poking my eardrum with a nonsterilized sewing needle. It hurt.

Bob is also sick. Bob is slightly more functional that me though. He was able to drive today when we went to eat normally appetizing unappetizing food.

I dislike being sick. I also drank a quart of Sprite today. Normally I dislike Sprite but when I am sick I cannot get enough Sprite. MORE SPRITE! Yum!

Who here prefers the taste of Sprite to 7-up? 7-up can suck it.

Last night, right before my health when down the craphole, I performed with the Geegsters in:

CONGRESS: THE MUSICAL

Skeezier-than-thou Utah state senator SENATOR BRUSSELS (moi) gropes young clerk ASHLEY (Shana), a naive waiflike creature who wants to do good, but is hooked up with an evil Republican senator. He is sexually harrassing her and making her do research on Arctic Wildlife drilling. (I had some line about how Ashley made me want to keep drilling and drill harder, harder...it's fun to be a sleazoid on stage!)

There were some PROTESTORS and some namby-pamby DEMOCRATS ("Is Barack coming? He's sooooooooo cute!") who meet in a cave and eat tabouli and not rock the boat or anything.

The high point of pathos came when ASHLEY, empowered by PROTESTORS, takes pictures of me sexually harrassing another intern (Caitlin) and then I sang a song about power and commit suicide.

It was a fun show. AND NOW I'M SICK. Cough.

Emilie!

Like, omigod! The proprietress of the pie concern left a comment and I'm, like, such a big fan because these pies are huge with me and Bob and he's taking all this friends there, and like, wow... We love the pies. We really do. We go 2-3 times a week because we love pie.

Back from O-town. Damn, yesterday was a long day. I woke up early, played with the baby, ate a large plate of Mex food, hung around the airport, got on two planes, then went to an improv show and hit the bar afterwards before going to my beddy-bye for some quality sleep.

Morbid Angels and Flying Bridge Lighters (by Zippo!)

It seems that word of my impending career switcheroo have made the rounds at my place of work, which actually, I am okay with. Any temptation to return to the dust dungeon for $$$ and prizes is a clear obstacle to my life's work and goals and must be blown to shit. It's a divorce in a loveless marriage, folks. Amicable. I wish it the best, really. It should have a servant more loyal and excited than me.

Still, it feels wrong to burn a bridge. I hope I am not burning one as I like my place of employ a whole lot. I just want to be on the radio, or on a stage, or sticking a mic in someone's face. It's sort of like towns, like "my town sucks but I like my friends, so I stay." Or vice versa. "My friends are a pack of pompous, destructive assholes, but damnit, Cleveland's got a lot to offer..."

I guess I find not trying to be a huge problem in my life. It should be a problem in your life, too.

I'm headed to 'Lifornia tomorrow. No one calls it that. Silly. "The Forn."

Berfday over

And thus the end of another birthday celebration. I ate a large portion of this cake as a dinner substitute last night.

This is an Australian meat pie from Boomerang's. Bob is rightly obsessed with these pies. They are tasty. And flaky. And pie-like. One makes a filling meal. I only regret that I am now introducing even more Crisco into my diet. It's kind of like in college where all the food was lubricated with this shit called Prep. Like a cheap generic petroleum distillate shortening. Yuck.

I am no longer trustworthy

Indeed, I am 30 now, and therefore cannot be trusted, and no, I will not buy you beer.

I have decided to apply for a Fulbright. American cultural influence on Canadian comedy. You like? I don't know how hard it is to get one of those as an "independent scholar." And I don't know if I can claim that I belong to UT so much anymore. Hmmm... Must check in with scholarly person about this.

Birthday!

Extreme Nose

I have been having extreme nasosinular issues this week. Today, noticing my laboured breathing and pale palor, I decided to check it home, thinking maybe I should see the doctor, but then realized that I went through this exact crap last year at this time and that the costly pharmaceuticals acquired last year were still good. Indeed, the date on my Nasonex shooter from last year is 03.09.05, so hey! Seasonal allergies ahoy!

For awhile I feared that I have Adult Onset Asthma. This is apparently typical for those in the archival profession. Indeed, I work with a lot of dust, old paper, bug doodlies, etc every day and then come home to a dusty house at night. And Austin is notorious for allergens, and indeed, the trees outside are having quite a bit of sex these days. Of course, my body also does all it can to vex me in the face of that stupid decision I made way back in my twenties, when I was stupid, because your twenties are when you do things that are stupid. Right?

Bob has suggested a neti pot for nasal cleansing, and I think I'm game for shooting water through my nasal passages.

In other news, I've done it again: I've misrepresented myself unintentionally as a Canadian, leading an actual Canadian to believe that I am from Canada. I need to stop doing this. Kristin, I'm from California, my paternal grandparents who I never met were Quebecois, and I'm starting to wonder if this is my fault or not.

Experience...FOIL!

Man, who doesn't bloody love aluminum foil?

Bob and I ate at Boomerang's Australian-Style Hand-Held Pie Concern for dinner a few minutes ago. I bit the shit out of my lip, which didn't taste half as tasty as my pie. We both ordered Traditional Beef Pies, which we were told that real Aussies slather in ketchup. I tried a little dollop of ketchup on mine, but the vinegariness did not impress me at all. In fact, I was reminded of my trip to England where they do not put evil nasty high fructose corn syrup in their ketchup and how I thought UK ketchup was arse.

Boomerang's also serves other flavors of pies which are not traditional, but more Austin/Texas flavors like chipotle spicy Mexican ranch bbq. Frankly, I get plenty of southwest flavors living here in the southwest, so if I am going to eat at an Australian food establishment, I want Aussie flavors. Or flavours, rather. So I wasn't interested in anything but Australoanglo flavourings. Of which there were two. They also make pizza flavour pies.

In my room here, an idiotic insect keeps body-checking the wall.

Bob was really crazygonuts about the pies! They were savory. Bob likes savory. Savory!

The pies, to get back to more pressing topics, were wrapped in wax paper, not FOIL, which is the food wrap of the mighty. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Does wax paper spark in the microwave? NO? Then shut up.

Days left of my twenties: 3