Next week I begin a ten-day trek through my home state. I'll be visiting my mommy and brother first, then heading up to Stockton to see Cassi, my oldest bestest friend and her five-year-old daughter Coco. Then I'll be in San Francisco visiting Tamar and Jacqui. T-sq and I have tickets to see Stephin Merritt speak at a screening of his soon-to-be-released documentary!
Cali!
Austin is a party town and nothing wrecks a party quite like vomit. Puke is the A #1 Party Boner Deflator and even worse is deciding who has to clean it up.
Well...rather than standing around a steamy pile of hurl arguing about it, call BARF PATROL! That's right! BARF PATROL. Our specially-trained VOM SQUAD will arrive at your door in no time to decontaminate your festive environment so your party can remain rad and bitchin'.
BARF PATROL!
This could seriously make some money. The first expense would be (of course) a heavily tricked-out VOM-MOBILE art car to drive around town so people will point and say, "Ooh, look! A car with a vomit motif!" Then there would be the purchase of supplies.
We would also need a clever, cheeky advertising campaign with tons of barfing-sound audio.
BARF PATROL!
We're the ones to call when there's puke on your wall!
BARF PATROL!
Vomit? We're on it!
Projectile on the bathroom tile?
BARF PATROL will make you smile!
Did that frat daddy barf on your vag while going down on you, princess?
We don't clean vag, but we do clean:
CARPET
WOOD
TILE
FURNITURE
COMPUTER HARDWARE
AUTO UPHOLSTERY
MAJOR APPLIANCES
THE GREAT OUTDOORS
WE CLEAN YOUR VOMIT AND LEAVE A FRESH SCENT BEHIND!
But what about shit?
WE ALSO CLEAN:
DIARRHEA
REGULAR SHIT
HARD STOOLS
ANIMAL POOP
STUFF THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE SHIT
URINE
BLOOD
SEMEN (quantities over one pint)
BARF PATROL!
Call or click when you are sick!
Also: a word-of-mouth publicity stunt to distribute the misinformation that you can pay extra for midgets.
Also: awesome swag. Like, free BARF PATROL baseball hat for outcalls of over $100.
Wouldn't you rather pay a professional than clean that up yourself?